Diary of a Mad Black Choir Director

Yes this a diary of my issues of being a choir director.  I am about to lay down some rules for the choir because some of yall are OUT OF ORDER! So here we go:

1. If you know that you can't rock and clap at the same time, do one or the other. What happens is I, with others will laugh at you and forget about the ministry that we are supposed to be doing. OUT OF ORDER!
2. When in doubt, do not sing out! Come to rehearsal and learn your note and the song! OUT OF ORDER!
3. If you do not know how to play the tambourine, put it down. You are playing on the upbeat while we are singing on the downbeat and vise versa. Just put the durn thing down YOU ARE JUST MAKING NOISE! OUT OF ORDER!
4. I direct choirs for a reason. You need to look at me and not at that dress that you and Sister So and So bought the same one of. OUT OF ORDER!
5. Musicians, you are not in da club! Quit playing like you're on 18th and Vine. This ain't Showtime at the Apollo! OUT OF ORDER!
6. Candy is prohibited in the choir stand. All that rattling of the paper is nerve wracking! If you sing as loud as you rattle that paper, we could sound better than Donald Lawrence and the Tri-City Singers. OUT OF ORDER!
7. The color for the Sunday is black! Don't come walking in with your zebra print talking about you got on black! OUT OF ORDER!
8. If you sit on the front row ladies, either make sure that your skirt is long or put a lap buddy over your legs.  Nobody wants to see everything that your momma gave you! Nobody wants to see that except old nasty Deacon Jones. OUT OF ORDER!
9. Musicians, don't come to my choir rehearsal talkin' about you done revamped a secular song.  SWV's "Weak" does not do anything for my spirit! OUT OF ORDER!
10. Finally, this is a collective effort under a dictatorship. My word is the ONLY word. If you want my job then you may have it, but until then I am the HCDIC(Head Choir Diretor In Charge)! OUT OF ORDER!

Oh, I have plenty more complaints, but that will come in volume two.  I love directing, but directing afro-americans will keep you laid out prostate before the Lord!

Where Did Everybody Go???

As a child, I used to love the summer nights. We caught lightening bugs in jars to light our paths and the moon shone brightly in the night sky.  The night air was filled with the sounds of nocturnal creatures and that is where I loved to hear the music of the cricket.  When I heard the crickets chirping through the night, I knew that everything was still.  It was peaceful and all was well.  The music emanating from the cricket rose through the quiet like a symphony written by Bach.  I loved the sound then as a child, but I grew to despise it as an adult. I hear that chirping sound more than just in the summertime.  I hear the crickets in every season, every Sunday in our churches.  Where the music was once melodious and soothing has now become loud, irritating and disheartening.

Pews that were once filled are now empty. It is not uncommon to look in on a church and observe that the few people that are in attendance could easily fill three rows in a church with twenty rows on each side.  Some balconies have not been used in twenty plus years.  What has happened?  We used to have three, four and sometimes five generations of one family in a church.  Our churches used to be community churches where everyone in that particular community went.  We used to have ministries that made the people to want to be at the church every time the doors were open.  What happened? 

Now if you're looking for me to give you statistical information in this blog, you are sadly mistaken.  I don't need statistics to tell me what I see with my own two eyes.  I asked, "What happened?"  This is what I have seen over the twenty or so years:

1. No Evangelism.  We have forgotten for some crazy reason to do what Jesus has instructed us to do, which is to, " Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation" Mark 16:5.  Jesus also instructed us to, "Go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit." Matthew 28:19.   We have become too comfortable in maintaining a low standard and claiming it in the name of Jesus.  The truth of the matter is that we are lazy Christians. We don't walk the streets or visit the prisons.  God forbid if we open up our churches to feed the homeless and visiting the sick and shut-in is low on our list of priorities. Our testimonies have become tired and weak. We live within the confines of the four walls only on Sunday mornings and never venture beyond the vestibule. We are in perpetual hibernation from Kingdom Building.     
2. Internal Church Power Struggles.  Somebody is going to hate me for saying this! Most churches have these pockets of "cliques" that want to control everything, including the pastor.  If you are not a part of their "clique" you don't matter.  You're not valued and it's basically saying to you that  you're not wanted.  Why stay in a place where you're not wanted?
3. No Ministries. Let's say that you do manage to get a few people in the door.  What ministries does the church offer?  If you have none, don't expect people to stay in a place where they can't even participate. 
4. Not Enough Young Adult and Youth Involvement. One day you will become a "seasoned saint."  Who will take your place.  We don't train our YA's or Youth's in offices of the church.  We are too busy trying to hold on to a title rather than passing on the knowledge. What happens is that they either leave in search of a church that's more accepting of instructing them or they grow up ignorant and incompetent of how to serve on the boards of the church they grew up in.
5. Finger Pointing.  We are too busy pointing the fingers at one another rather than looking at our own shortfalls.  It is not the pastor's fault and it is not the layperson's fault.  It's EVERYBODY'S.

                                 The Parable of Responsibility  

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody were members of a group.

There was an important job to do and Everybody was asked to do it.

Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody would have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry because it was Everybody’s job.

Everybody thought Anybody would do it, but Nobody realized that Anybody wouldn’t do it.

It ended up that Everybody, blamed Somebody, when Nobody did, what Anybody could have done.

I could go on and on, but the list is too long and I only have so much time.  I could continue to lament like Jeremiah, but I have to be honest and begin with me.  I have to look inwardly to make sure that I am doing all that I can for the building of God's Kingdom.  Maybe one day I will begin to like the cricket's song again, but only if the pews fill up. 

Calgon, Take Me Away!!!

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To say that I am stressed is an understatement.  I work a secular job Monday - Friday and off the weekends.  However, I am an assistant pastor/choir director also, so that means my weekends are pretty full  on top of the calls that I get through the week from congregants.  I hold the position of secretary for the Conference Midwest WIM (Women in Ministry), I created and maintained TWO web pages and I maintain my blog and am a self-proclaimed FACEBOOK junkie!  Did I mention the grand-bandit, um I mean, the granddaughter? The one that I had the pleasure of witnessing her arrival into this world? The one that I held in my arms and delighted because she slept peacefully and without murmur? The one who took her first plane ride at 3 months and the passengers marveled at such a "cryless" (Is cryless a word?) baby? The one that when she smiled at me for the first time, captured my heart? The one that is now two years old and enough to drive Jesus off the cross???!! The one that I babysit every weekend so that her parents can work.  I am busy and a bit stressed out.   I have nothing else to give.  So in order for me to have a bit of a shred of sanity, I have compiled a list of that I need for people to help me with in order to destress my life:

1. Most preachers take Mondays off as a day of rest.  I don't have that luxury as I have to work at my secular job.  So do me a favor, don't call me any time of the day on Mondays. I may still have to work on Monday for the "man" but I want a break from the ministry on Mondays too.
2. I have learned a WONDERFUL new word this year.  If you would like to hear it when you ask me to finish a project for the church that YOU started, just ask me and I will utter to you the one word to end all words: NO!
3. I need to put this one whole rule in bold print! I need to have fun sometimes too! So when you see me out enjoying a jazz brunch, art exhibit or anything that I happen to enjoy, please do not back me into a corner and start telling me about your problems.  That's my time to be just regular old Bridget and I want to enjoy me.  If you insist, however, I will charge you time and a half for services rendered. 
4. Sometimes I do not answer my phone on purpose.  So sue me! If it is an emergency, call and let it ring once. Hang up and call right back and then I will pick it up.  What constitutes an emergency? Here is my list: Death, Eminent Death, Impending Death, Prayer for Surgery (major and minor do qualify), Child Missing, Depression and Suicidal Thoughts.  What does NOT constitute an emergency?   Here is my list:  Goldfish, dog, cat or any other animal dying, asking me about the announcements that were read on Sunday, your baby's first tooth, what new piece of clothing you bought, asking me for numbers of other church members (that's why we print up a church directory every year), and anything else that is non-life threatening.  Not saying that they are not important, just not an emergency.
5. Please do not guilt trip me into taking on another program, tasks or whatever. I will not only tell you the word in item #2, but I will turn around and guilt trip you about your spotty attendance record at church services.

If you have noticed, I haven't said anything about the grand-bandit, um granddaughter.  That is because she is my biggest stress reliever.  We play and play until we are both exhausted.  Every Friday night she curls up next to me and we watch movies.  On Saturdays, we eat a big breakfast and sleep in late.  Then, we go to the park or watch more movies (Sponge Bob has a permanent place in my DVD player). When my nerves get shot, she looks at me with those big brown eyes full of concern and says. "What's wrong Gran Gran?" and I immediately smile.  She has a way of calming the stress and that is why she is not mentioned in the rules, BUT, after she's gone, I go to the bathtub fill it with hot water and bubbles and say, "Calgon, take me away!"  

The Church Needs An Upgrade....Let Me Upgrade Ya!

Ok, picture this! Sicily, 1816........ok, ok.  I had a Golden Girl moment for a spell, but seriously picture this: Philadelphia, 1816 in an old blacksmith's shop with an anvil being used as a pulpit for the preacher.  He has hand written his sermon that must have taken hours to complete as he continually fills his quill pen with ink. There are no big projection screens to drop down to display the scriptures or songs and the announcements are by word of mouth or horseback and takes days to circulate.  The information highway is slow, but probably progressive for that day in age.

Not even ten years ago, you did not see preachers preaching from an IPad as the preacher in the illustration above, much less use a bible app to read the scriptures.  Fast forward ten years and just about everyone has an IPad, IPhone, Computer, Blackberry or Android.  The days of hand written sermons are almost obsolete and carrying a bible is just as gone. Many preachers have these electronic gadgets for convenience and information.  The way we function as a church on the technology side, however, is still archaic.

Most of our churches are still operating archaically and could stand an upgrade.  Our secretaries are still using typewriters.  The filing system is not backed up by flash drives (most don't even know what a flash drive is) or CD, email is a foreign language to some of our older members and some don't even own a cell phone. Believe it or not, most churches do not have a website, although there are many companies such as www.webs.com, that offer free services as long as you maintain the webpage yourself (I created and manage both my church and the Midwest Conference WIM webpages).  Conference calling is not being utilized in our local churches.  I could go on and on about how "technologically stunted" we are, but let me offer some simple ways a church that may be low on funds to minister effectively using technology.

1. Buy at least one used (year 2006 to current) computer, with internet access, for the secretary's office.  This will help the secretary schedule, file,  research and a host of other things that used to take five pieces of equipment to do.
2. Start a texting ministry of important dates and functions.  Most people have cell phones and Young Adults and Youth do a lot of texting.  They will read your text before they pick up the phone to talk.
3. If you have been blessed enough to have more than one computer in your church, offer FREE basic classes to older adults.  Pick a teenager or young adult in your congregation (because trust me, they know this stuff).  Teach your "seasoned saints" how to set up an email account, Facebook account and basic functions on how to access websites.
4. Install bible apps on your cell phones and IPads.  The one that I use is YouVersion Life Church.  It has over 20 versions of the bible, cross references, daily reading plans, highlighter, notes and a whole lot of bells and whistles that make this app a joy to have. It is also a free app.
5. Get your church a webpage! WWW.WEBS.COM  provides an opportunity for churches that are financially challenged to create and maintain a webpage.  However, keep in mind that some services are only offered if you purchase a package and the amount of information is limited, but for it being free WEBS gives you a lot of space to work with.
6. Get your church a free conference call number for those times where a physical meeting is not possible.  I did that for our conferences' WIM (Women in Ministry).  Just make sure that you send reminder emails along with the phone numbers and access codes.  This service is free but you have to have long distance on your phone with a decent plan. I have a family plan with 1500 shared minutes which I barely use. I'm a texter, but that plan comes in handy for calls such as these.  
7. Create a Facebook account for your church.  It's free! 

I could go on and on about this list, but then things would start to cost. Here is a list of some websites that  will help you to get started: www.facebook.com ; www.webs.com ; www.webstarts.com ; www.microsoft.com ;  www.weebly.com ; www.freeconferececall.com . Just start out with this simple list and as your ministry and church grows, you can always upgrade!