Diary of a Mad Black Choir Director

Yes this a diary of my issues of being a choir director.  I am about to lay down some rules for the choir because some of yall are OUT OF ORDER! So here we go:

1. If you know that you can't rock and clap at the same time, do one or the other. What happens is I, with others will laugh at you and forget about the ministry that we are supposed to be doing. OUT OF ORDER!
2. When in doubt, do not sing out! Come to rehearsal and learn your note and the song! OUT OF ORDER!
3. If you do not know how to play the tambourine, put it down. You are playing on the upbeat while we are singing on the downbeat and vise versa. Just put the durn thing down YOU ARE JUST MAKING NOISE! OUT OF ORDER!
4. I direct choirs for a reason. You need to look at me and not at that dress that you and Sister So and So bought the same one of. OUT OF ORDER!
5. Musicians, you are not in da club! Quit playing like you're on 18th and Vine. This ain't Showtime at the Apollo! OUT OF ORDER!
6. Candy is prohibited in the choir stand. All that rattling of the paper is nerve wracking! If you sing as loud as you rattle that paper, we could sound better than Donald Lawrence and the Tri-City Singers. OUT OF ORDER!
7. The color for the Sunday is black! Don't come walking in with your zebra print talking about you got on black! OUT OF ORDER!
8. If you sit on the front row ladies, either make sure that your skirt is long or put a lap buddy over your legs.  Nobody wants to see everything that your momma gave you! Nobody wants to see that except old nasty Deacon Jones. OUT OF ORDER!
9. Musicians, don't come to my choir rehearsal talkin' about you done revamped a secular song.  SWV's "Weak" does not do anything for my spirit! OUT OF ORDER!
10. Finally, this is a collective effort under a dictatorship. My word is the ONLY word. If you want my job then you may have it, but until then I am the HCDIC(Head Choir Diretor In Charge)! OUT OF ORDER!

Oh, I have plenty more complaints, but that will come in volume two.  I love directing, but directing afro-americans will keep you laid out prostate before the Lord!

Where Did Everybody Go???

As a child, I used to love the summer nights. We caught lightening bugs in jars to light our paths and the moon shone brightly in the night sky.  The night air was filled with the sounds of nocturnal creatures and that is where I loved to hear the music of the cricket.  When I heard the crickets chirping through the night, I knew that everything was still.  It was peaceful and all was well.  The music emanating from the cricket rose through the quiet like a symphony written by Bach.  I loved the sound then as a child, but I grew to despise it as an adult. I hear that chirping sound more than just in the summertime.  I hear the crickets in every season, every Sunday in our churches.  Where the music was once melodious and soothing has now become loud, irritating and disheartening.

Pews that were once filled are now empty. It is not uncommon to look in on a church and observe that the few people that are in attendance could easily fill three rows in a church with twenty rows on each side.  Some balconies have not been used in twenty plus years.  What has happened?  We used to have three, four and sometimes five generations of one family in a church.  Our churches used to be community churches where everyone in that particular community went.  We used to have ministries that made the people to want to be at the church every time the doors were open.  What happened? 

Now if you're looking for me to give you statistical information in this blog, you are sadly mistaken.  I don't need statistics to tell me what I see with my own two eyes.  I asked, "What happened?"  This is what I have seen over the twenty or so years:

1. No Evangelism.  We have forgotten for some crazy reason to do what Jesus has instructed us to do, which is to, " Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation" Mark 16:5.  Jesus also instructed us to, "Go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit." Matthew 28:19.   We have become too comfortable in maintaining a low standard and claiming it in the name of Jesus.  The truth of the matter is that we are lazy Christians. We don't walk the streets or visit the prisons.  God forbid if we open up our churches to feed the homeless and visiting the sick and shut-in is low on our list of priorities. Our testimonies have become tired and weak. We live within the confines of the four walls only on Sunday mornings and never venture beyond the vestibule. We are in perpetual hibernation from Kingdom Building.     
2. Internal Church Power Struggles.  Somebody is going to hate me for saying this! Most churches have these pockets of "cliques" that want to control everything, including the pastor.  If you are not a part of their "clique" you don't matter.  You're not valued and it's basically saying to you that  you're not wanted.  Why stay in a place where you're not wanted?
3. No Ministries. Let's say that you do manage to get a few people in the door.  What ministries does the church offer?  If you have none, don't expect people to stay in a place where they can't even participate. 
4. Not Enough Young Adult and Youth Involvement. One day you will become a "seasoned saint."  Who will take your place.  We don't train our YA's or Youth's in offices of the church.  We are too busy trying to hold on to a title rather than passing on the knowledge. What happens is that they either leave in search of a church that's more accepting of instructing them or they grow up ignorant and incompetent of how to serve on the boards of the church they grew up in.
5. Finger Pointing.  We are too busy pointing the fingers at one another rather than looking at our own shortfalls.  It is not the pastor's fault and it is not the layperson's fault.  It's EVERYBODY'S.

                                 The Parable of Responsibility  

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody were members of a group.

There was an important job to do and Everybody was asked to do it.

Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody would have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry because it was Everybody’s job.

Everybody thought Anybody would do it, but Nobody realized that Anybody wouldn’t do it.

It ended up that Everybody, blamed Somebody, when Nobody did, what Anybody could have done.

I could go on and on, but the list is too long and I only have so much time.  I could continue to lament like Jeremiah, but I have to be honest and begin with me.  I have to look inwardly to make sure that I am doing all that I can for the building of God's Kingdom.  Maybe one day I will begin to like the cricket's song again, but only if the pews fill up. 

Calgon, Take Me Away!!!

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To say that I am stressed is an understatement.  I work a secular job Monday - Friday and off the weekends.  However, I am an assistant pastor/choir director also, so that means my weekends are pretty full  on top of the calls that I get through the week from congregants.  I hold the position of secretary for the Conference Midwest WIM (Women in Ministry), I created and maintained TWO web pages and I maintain my blog and am a self-proclaimed FACEBOOK junkie!  Did I mention the grand-bandit, um I mean, the granddaughter? The one that I had the pleasure of witnessing her arrival into this world? The one that I held in my arms and delighted because she slept peacefully and without murmur? The one who took her first plane ride at 3 months and the passengers marveled at such a "cryless" (Is cryless a word?) baby? The one that when she smiled at me for the first time, captured my heart? The one that is now two years old and enough to drive Jesus off the cross???!! The one that I babysit every weekend so that her parents can work.  I am busy and a bit stressed out.   I have nothing else to give.  So in order for me to have a bit of a shred of sanity, I have compiled a list of that I need for people to help me with in order to destress my life:

1. Most preachers take Mondays off as a day of rest.  I don't have that luxury as I have to work at my secular job.  So do me a favor, don't call me any time of the day on Mondays. I may still have to work on Monday for the "man" but I want a break from the ministry on Mondays too.
2. I have learned a WONDERFUL new word this year.  If you would like to hear it when you ask me to finish a project for the church that YOU started, just ask me and I will utter to you the one word to end all words: NO!
3. I need to put this one whole rule in bold print! I need to have fun sometimes too! So when you see me out enjoying a jazz brunch, art exhibit or anything that I happen to enjoy, please do not back me into a corner and start telling me about your problems.  That's my time to be just regular old Bridget and I want to enjoy me.  If you insist, however, I will charge you time and a half for services rendered. 
4. Sometimes I do not answer my phone on purpose.  So sue me! If it is an emergency, call and let it ring once. Hang up and call right back and then I will pick it up.  What constitutes an emergency? Here is my list: Death, Eminent Death, Impending Death, Prayer for Surgery (major and minor do qualify), Child Missing, Depression and Suicidal Thoughts.  What does NOT constitute an emergency?   Here is my list:  Goldfish, dog, cat or any other animal dying, asking me about the announcements that were read on Sunday, your baby's first tooth, what new piece of clothing you bought, asking me for numbers of other church members (that's why we print up a church directory every year), and anything else that is non-life threatening.  Not saying that they are not important, just not an emergency.
5. Please do not guilt trip me into taking on another program, tasks or whatever. I will not only tell you the word in item #2, but I will turn around and guilt trip you about your spotty attendance record at church services.

If you have noticed, I haven't said anything about the grand-bandit, um granddaughter.  That is because she is my biggest stress reliever.  We play and play until we are both exhausted.  Every Friday night she curls up next to me and we watch movies.  On Saturdays, we eat a big breakfast and sleep in late.  Then, we go to the park or watch more movies (Sponge Bob has a permanent place in my DVD player). When my nerves get shot, she looks at me with those big brown eyes full of concern and says. "What's wrong Gran Gran?" and I immediately smile.  She has a way of calming the stress and that is why she is not mentioned in the rules, BUT, after she's gone, I go to the bathtub fill it with hot water and bubbles and say, "Calgon, take me away!"  

The Church Needs An Upgrade....Let Me Upgrade Ya!

Ok, picture this! Sicily, 1816........ok, ok.  I had a Golden Girl moment for a spell, but seriously picture this: Philadelphia, 1816 in an old blacksmith's shop with an anvil being used as a pulpit for the preacher.  He has hand written his sermon that must have taken hours to complete as he continually fills his quill pen with ink. There are no big projection screens to drop down to display the scriptures or songs and the announcements are by word of mouth or horseback and takes days to circulate.  The information highway is slow, but probably progressive for that day in age.

Not even ten years ago, you did not see preachers preaching from an IPad as the preacher in the illustration above, much less use a bible app to read the scriptures.  Fast forward ten years and just about everyone has an IPad, IPhone, Computer, Blackberry or Android.  The days of hand written sermons are almost obsolete and carrying a bible is just as gone. Many preachers have these electronic gadgets for convenience and information.  The way we function as a church on the technology side, however, is still archaic.

Most of our churches are still operating archaically and could stand an upgrade.  Our secretaries are still using typewriters.  The filing system is not backed up by flash drives (most don't even know what a flash drive is) or CD, email is a foreign language to some of our older members and some don't even own a cell phone. Believe it or not, most churches do not have a website, although there are many companies such as www.webs.com, that offer free services as long as you maintain the webpage yourself (I created and manage both my church and the Midwest Conference WIM webpages).  Conference calling is not being utilized in our local churches.  I could go on and on about how "technologically stunted" we are, but let me offer some simple ways a church that may be low on funds to minister effectively using technology.

1. Buy at least one used (year 2006 to current) computer, with internet access, for the secretary's office.  This will help the secretary schedule, file,  research and a host of other things that used to take five pieces of equipment to do.
2. Start a texting ministry of important dates and functions.  Most people have cell phones and Young Adults and Youth do a lot of texting.  They will read your text before they pick up the phone to talk.
3. If you have been blessed enough to have more than one computer in your church, offer FREE basic classes to older adults.  Pick a teenager or young adult in your congregation (because trust me, they know this stuff).  Teach your "seasoned saints" how to set up an email account, Facebook account and basic functions on how to access websites.
4. Install bible apps on your cell phones and IPads.  The one that I use is YouVersion Life Church.  It has over 20 versions of the bible, cross references, daily reading plans, highlighter, notes and a whole lot of bells and whistles that make this app a joy to have. It is also a free app.
5. Get your church a webpage! WWW.WEBS.COM  provides an opportunity for churches that are financially challenged to create and maintain a webpage.  However, keep in mind that some services are only offered if you purchase a package and the amount of information is limited, but for it being free WEBS gives you a lot of space to work with.
6. Get your church a free conference call number for those times where a physical meeting is not possible.  I did that for our conferences' WIM (Women in Ministry).  Just make sure that you send reminder emails along with the phone numbers and access codes.  This service is free but you have to have long distance on your phone with a decent plan. I have a family plan with 1500 shared minutes which I barely use. I'm a texter, but that plan comes in handy for calls such as these.  
7. Create a Facebook account for your church.  It's free! 

I could go on and on about this list, but then things would start to cost. Here is a list of some websites that  will help you to get started: www.facebook.com ; www.webs.com ; www.webstarts.com ; www.microsoft.com ;  www.weebly.com ; www.freeconferececall.com . Just start out with this simple list and as your ministry and church grows, you can always upgrade!

We've Come a Long Way Baby..........Really?

I get this a lot.  A woman in the ministry is trying to break the same glass ceilings as in corporate America.  I have heard and read this term, "The Stained Glass Ceiling." Whatever the case, it's all glass and more times than not, that glass is often times difficult to break.  I always envision a big hammer that I use.  I keep hitting the glass, but I'm only making cracks here and there.  It doesn't break and my arms get tired sometimes. 

I belong to one of the most progressive African American denominations when it comes to promoting women, I am an African Methodist Episcopal minister and proud of it. However, my denomination was very late in ordaining women as elders. Would you believe that it was in the late 1960's that a woman was allowed to become an itinerant elder?  Well, it's true!  Now we are talking about ordination -vs- licensing.  We women were allowed to be "licensed", but not ORDAINED. 

Ok, now we've gotten past that and here we are today.  We've come a long way baby.......but have we really?  Since my my last ordination (elder's orders) I have been met with opposition from men and YES, women. My leadership abilities have been called into question many times. As long as I'm directing the choirs, serving food, teaching Sunday School and looking cute, they're cool.  The moment I open my mouth to make a suggestion, implement a policy or preach there's a problem.

My mother was very strict about her children learning a little something about everything.  I play Jeopardy as a hobby, I've read the Bible from front to back more than my 43 years on earth, doing research is fun to me, I have over a thousand books in my personal library and I've read them all.  I learned how to change my own oil in my car, I can change my own tires and truth be told, if I had the equipment and tools, I could probably put an engine together as well as take it apart.  My mother always envisioned her children being able to walk into a state dinner at the White House and being able to speak with whomever about whatever.  I take those skills to my secular job as a purchasing manager. I know how to watch my budget.  I know how to negotiate better pricing to save my facility money in these tough economic times.  I know how to manuever in and out of my male dominated field.  My vendors respect me and I respect them.  They don't pat me on the head and say, "Let the big boys handle it and go sit in a corner and be cute."  I have proven myself to be a force in the Purchasing world.  They are my colleagues. That glass ceiling for me has been broken......BUT......I still have that stained glass ceiling to break.

Many women preachers run into that ceiling and receive cuts, bumps and bruises.  Cut-When you go to a staunch Baptist church and the pastor of that church tells you that you can't preach from the pulpit, BUT you can preach from the floor.  Bump-An older woman in the church that the bishop has assigned you to tells you, "I don't know why the bishop sent a WOMAN because this church has only had MEN.  I hope you don't get overly emotional and (if you're single) you need a husband and you wear to much make-up and jewelry.  Man!!!  Bruise-You come with the idea of a Capital Development Program for your church, which passes, but they pick a MAN to run it, although you have more experience. OUCH!! 

It hurts, but we keeping hitting that ceiling with that perverbial hammer. Some have broken through.  The elections and consecrations of women Bishops McKenzie, Tyler-Guidry and Davis was a pioneering feat in the AME Church history, however, with twenty episcopal districts, there are only three women, that's only fifteen percent (15%).  I know that we will have more women who will become bishops, presiding elders and preachers. It's slow going, but I am encouraged.  We've come a long way baby....BUT......Have we really?  I say yes, but we still have so much further to go.

Sometimes the Preacher Needs a Preacher

Today my soul is troubled.  I have just recently (three weeks ago) gone through a situation that left me in an emotional coma.  It has been a series of good days and bad days for the past three weeks.  I function, but I feel dysfunctional.  I continue to stay busy so that I won’t have to think and I’ve developed the habit of smiling all the while crying on the inside.  Some nights I don’t sleep and I toss and turn which makes me cranky and an introvert.  Sometimes, the nights are long and those are the roughest times for me.  That third hour after midnight is often the quietest and I tend to be very introspective at that hour.  It is usually at this time that I pray my hardest and will pick up the phone to call a sister minister friend of mine.

Sometimes, the preacher needs a preacher.  I know that this preacher does.  I say this because preachers are so busy listening and counseling people and their issues that the preacher’s issues are not being addressed.  We are so busy giving the people, “What thus says the Lord” but what we really need is for the preacher to have a preacher. 

My friend has never not (I know that this is a double negative, but it’s MY BLOG) picked up the phone to pray and counsel me.  After talking with her, the air seems clearer, the night seems easier and my soul not so troubled.  I always hear a Word from God through her which helps me to put things in perspective.  I know some of you might be saying to yourselves, “I wouldn’t answer my phone at that ungodly hour.” That’s your choice, but when my sister minister friend was going through, I picked up the phone for her and gave her God’s Word and prayed.  Sometimes, the preacher needs a preacher.  We figured like this, if we can allow congregants to awaken us in the middle of the night with their issues; why can’t we do that for each other?  Exactly!  We can!  We need a Word too.

What I am trying to convey is that preachers are not immune to the problems and issues of everyday life.  Job 14:1 prophetically states, “Man (and yes woman) born of woman is of few days and full of trouble.” We have relationship issues, household issues, health issues, children issues, daily walk issues, self-esteem issues and every other issue that lay people have.  Lay persons can turn to the preacher.  The preacher can turn to………Sometimes, the preacher needs a preacher.

  

10 Things Everyone Wants In a Sermon

What do people want to hear in a sermon? I have been to many churches and have heard many preachers.  Some have left me filled and inspired, others, well Jesus! In my second year on the BOE, my instructor was also my supervising pastor and she broke a sistah down, in a good way.  She’s the one that taught me a lot about sermon development.  She said, “You can whoop and holler all you want, but if there is nothing to feast on in your sermon, all that whooping and hollering is just a show.  You have to give the people something substantial.  You have to be prepared and you have to do the research!”  Needless to say, she failed a sermon that I had written as an assignment and she made me re-write it.  She taught me that great word, EXEGESIS.
 
The goal of Biblical exegesis is to explore the meaning of the text which then leads to discovering its significance or relevance.  In essence, I learned how to break it down, yes suh!  I got that process, but I still need to EFFECTIVELY convey the message of God to the people.  So how do I do that without losing the people?

Bob Hostetler, a Pastor of Leadership and Teaching at Cobblestone Community Church in Oxford, Ohio has compiled a list of 10 Things everyone wants in a sermon:

10. Grab my attention as soon as you start speaking. The great preachers of the past knew how to connect with an audience very quickly, but many modern preachers — even the good ones — tend to start with riveting phrases like, "Turn in your Bibles to Obadiah." Such tactics won't do these days. Think of the first thirty seconds of your message as equivalent to a movie theater preview. You must grab your listeners' attention any way you can-with a dramatic statement, question, story, film clip, etc. — and give them no choice but to listen from "Word One."

9. Teach me something I didn't already know. Ask yourself, "If I were listening to this sermon, what parts or points would I feel compelled to write down so I won't forget it?" If the answer is, "nothing," start over. Every listener wants to be helped to — not spoon-fed — a discovery of new information, new insights, new perspectives.

8. Tell me what God says, not what you say. Even seekers are far more interested in what God says on a subject than on what you say . . . or even what Oliver Wendell Holmes said. Good sermons — whether targeted primarily to seekers or Christians — rely heavily on the Bible as God's Word and let it do the talking.

7. Don't make me feel stupid because I don't know my Bible as well as you. Not only seekers, but long-time church-attendees as well, don't use their Bibles in church — not because the verses are projected up on the screen, but because they're embarrassed at their inability to find Haggai or Ruth in under three seconds (like seemingly everyone else sitting around them). That's why in my church, when it comes time to turn to the Biblical text for the morning, we project on the screen the Bible table of contents with that book highlighted, and say something like, "Ruth is the eighth book of the Bible, and it begins on page 184 in the Bibles we provide for your use."

6. Make me like you, and help me get to know you a little bit. Every speaker at Cobblestone Community Church (even me, perhaps the most visible member of the church) is asked to introduce himself, and is encouraged to seize opportunities to give listeners insight into the speaker's own life and personality — without revealing anything inappropriate, of course (and so much the better if it's vulnerable, self-effacing, and/or winsome).

5. Make me laugh. Not everyone can tell a joke, but then, jokes are far from the only way — and far from the best way — to inject humor into a sermon. Candid observations about our own follies — particularly the speakers' foibles — are among the most effective ways to use humor.

4. Show me you understand what I'm going through. One of the most crucial — and earliest — tasks of any preacher is to identify with listeners. In one message, on "How to Survive Suffering," I began my sermon with the phrase, "Sometimes a speaker bites off more than he can chew," and went on to detail why I felt ill-qualified to speak in a room filled with people who had suffered far more than me: a family losing their business, a couple each of whom were dealing with debilitating illnesses, a mother who'd lost her son, and so on. A sincere admission of our own struggles or a brief acknowledgment of the real-life issues others are facing is the key to identifying with both seeker and Christian.

3. Touch my emotions. Seekers and Christians alike want to be inspired. They want their heart-strings to be plucked. And, while seekers in particular are alert to manipulation, they're nonetheless longing for a preacher who will help them not only to think, but also to feel. Any sermon that fails to engage both mind and heart is likely to disappoint.

2. Meet a felt need. I tell both my writing students and the preachers I mentor that the first question a writer or speaker must answer is, "So what?" If as a reader or listener, I am not promised something I want when you begin, I will quickly begin thinking about what time the football game starts or where I should take the family to eat after the service. And, if I was promised something when you started but you never delivered on your promise, I'll be far less likely to listen — or even return — next week.

And, finally:

1. Tell me clearly how I can apply this to my life today, this week. When I conclude a message at Cobblestone, I assume that all my listeners are interested in following through on what God has said to them. So in addition to giving them opportunity for private prayer and counsel, I try to suggest to them practical ways they can follow up on what they've learned. I've encouraged listeners to write their own mission statement, give away one possession in the coming week, or mail a postcard inviting someone to church the following week.


This is a great list and my mentor had the right idea when she was my instructor. The people to whom we preach to, deserve to have their needs met.  When it comes right down to it, it's not so different preaching to seekers or to Christians. With Christians, of course, you can assume some knowledge and take some liberties. And with seekers, you might face fewer taboos. But both groups seek essentially the same things from a teacher of God's Word-none of which are anything new, of course, but all of which we would do well to apply to every message we speak from now until Jesus returns.