Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Diary of a Mad Black Choir Director

Yes this a diary of my issues of being a choir director.  I am about to lay down some rules for the choir because some of yall are OUT OF ORDER! So here we go:

  1. If you know that you can't rock and clap at the same time, do one or the other. What happens is I, with others will laugh at you and forget about the ministry that we are supposed to be doing. OUT OF ORDER!
  2. When in doubt, do not sing out! Come to rehearsal and learn your note and the song! OUT OF ORDER!
  3. If you do not know how to play the tambourine, put it down. You are playing on the upbeat while we are singing on the downbeat and vise versa. Just put the durn thing down YOU ARE JUST MAKING NOISE! OUT OF ORDER!
  4. I direct choirs for a reason. You need to look at me and not at that dress that you and Sister So and So bought the same one of. OUT OF ORDER!
  5. Musicians, you are not in da club! Quit playing like you're on 18th and Vine. This ain't Showtime at the Apollo! OUT OF ORDER!
  6. Candy is prohibited in the choir stand. All that rattling of the paper is nerve wracking! If you sing as loud as you rattle that paper, we could sound better than Donald Lawrence and the Tri-City Singers. OUT OF ORDER!
  7. The color for the Sunday is black! Don't come walking in with your zebra print talking about you got on black! OUT OF ORDER!
  8. If you sit on the front row ladies, either make sure that your skirt is long or put a lap buddy over your legs.  Nobody wants to see everything that your momma gave you! Nobody wants to see that except old nasty Deacon Jones. OUT OF ORDER!
  9. Musicians, don't come to my choir rehearsal talkin' about you done revamped a secular song.  SWV's "Weak" does not do anything for my spirit! OUT OF ORDER!
  10. Finally, this is a collective effort under a dictatorship. My word is the ONLY word. If you want my job then you may have it, but until then I am the HCDIC(Head Choir Diretor In Charge)! OUT OF ORDER!

Oh, I have plenty more complaints, but that will come in volume two.  I love directing, but directing afro-americans will keep you laid out prostate before the Lord!

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